The Talk
by karly05
Summary: Another Ferb/Lawrence father/son story.  Ferb is 14 and has been watching something inappropriate on TV; now Lawrence needs to have a Talk with him.  T for a reason, though I've tried to be tasteful.


**A/N – Another entry in the Ferb/Lawrence Father/Son category. I have had this story in mind for a long time. Pay attention to the T rating. I think the subject matter is handled tastefully, but Ferb has been watching something inappropriate on TV and Dad's going to have to have a talk with him about it. Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh own the characters.**

The Talk

Lawrence Fletcher was awakened at around one in the morning by his wife. He had not been aware that she had gotten up to begin with, but now she came storming into their room, shutting the door, and sitting down roughly on her side of the bed. "Lawrence, wake up."

"Hm, what, darling?" he mumbled, rousing himself and groping for his glasses on the nightstand.

"I just caught Ferb downstairs." She was biting off the words in that way she had when one of the children had been naughty – but their children were hardly ever naughty, and Linda wasn't often this perturbed. _Ferb – downstairs_ didn't sound like a major felony, and Lawrence rubbed his head sleepily, trying to rouse his brain.

"Downstairs?" he prompted, hoping for a bit more information.

"He was watching television," said Linda, in a dire tone, as if she had caught him setting fire to the house.

This wasn't making things any clearer. "Well, dear, it's not a school night," Lawrence made the case for the defense.

"He was watching something called _Bikini Spring Break!_" Linda snapped. "And I didn't see a lot of bikinis."

"Oh, dear," said Lawrence. He supposed he should have seen this coming. After all, Ferb had turned fourteen about five months ago, and teenage boys were a curious lot. Lawrence remembered his own youth, poring over lingerie ads with his mates – but that had been relatively innocent, compared with what young people had access to today. Of course, it could have been worse – he was certain this Bikini thing was one of those Friday Night MovieMax affairs, more bark than bite. Not that he would know anything about that, Lawrence found himself blushing as he reflected on his Early Bachelor Days in America.

"You need to have a talk with him," Linda decreed.

"But – I already had the Talk with him. And with Phineas. I did that a couple of years ago."

"Then it's time for another. I don't want the boys watching smutty movies in this house."

"Of course not, dear," Lawrence agreed. "Absolutely not, you're quite right. But – are you certain it wasn't some sort of mistake? What did Ferb say about it?"

"Nothing. Not a word. I shut it off and told him to go upstairs, and that we would deal with it in the morning. It was sheer luck that I caught him," she noted. "I forgot to start the dishwasher after dinner, so I went down to the kitchen. I think he must have been half asleep, he never heard me until I was right over the couch."

"Well, there you are, darling," Lawrence seized on this excuse. "Perhaps he was watching something else, something perfectly harmless, and fell asleep before this started…"

"He knew what he was watching," Linda insisted, glowering again. "He was five shades of red, and he wouldn't look me in the eye. _You need to talk to him_."

And that was why, five hours later, Lawrence was pacing the upstairs hallway of his suburban Danville home, waiting for Ferb to get up. The downstairs clock had just chimed a quarter past six when the door to the boys' room opened and his green haired son, fully dressed, stepped out. He closed the door softly behind him and said, "Good morning, Father."

_Father_. The word his son used only when things were about to get serious between them. It meant either that Ferb was trying to conciliate him with a show of respect, or that Ferb was about to dig in his heels and make a stand. Lawrence hoped it was the former.

Now, the lad added, in a deferential tone Lawrence found encouraging, "Shall we go into the den?" He knew. They both knew, and they both knew that the other knew, and… Attempting a stern look, Lawrence nodded, and motioned for his son to precede him. Ferb's manner was one of stoic calm, especially compared to Lawrence's uneasy displeasure as they went into the upstairs spare room and shut the door. Ferb stood quietly in the center of the floor, waiting for him to begin. When had his little boy gotten so tall? He must have grown a couple of inches just since Christmas; he was taller than Candace now, and would certainly hit six feet before sixteen. Then there was the issue of Ferb's voice. It had changed early, and grown deep and mellow; the years in America had done nothing to soften his British accent, and his penchant for big words and proper grammar made him sound much older than he was. But the fact remained that he was only fourteen, he wasn't half as mature as he probably imagined himself, and Lawrence felt his brow folding into a fatherly frown as he pulled the stiff chair away from the desk and pointed at it.

"Sit down, Ferb." He waited while his son meekly did as he was told, then said, "I think you know why you're here."

"It's about the movie Mum found me watching," said Ferb in an even tone. Lawrence didn't miss the nervous quiver of his lip, however. Rather than softening him, this chink in the boy's armor prompted him to take a firm hand.

"Ferb Fletcher, I am very disappointed in you. Sneaking out of bed to watch something you knew we would disapprove of. I never would have expected such behavior from you." Lawrence held up a hand to halt any protests from his son, although Ferb was gazing steadily straight ahead of himself and had made no move to speak. "Now, I suppose you're going to tell me you were watching _Space Adventure 9_ or something, and fell asleep on the couch and this rubbish just happened to be on when you woke up…" Despite his skeptical tone, Lawrence was secretly hoping his son would latch on to this life preserver, but Ferb looked up and met his eyes.

"No, Father. I knew what I was watching."

Well, the honesty was something to be grateful for, Lawrence conceded, and he felt a bit of relief to note the pink tint of shame in Ferb's cheek. "I'm glad to see you take responsibility for this," he said, and Ferb relaxed ever so slightly. "But the fact remains, you did something you knew was wrong. As a result, the television and the computer will have to come out of your room until your mother and I decide you can be trusted to have them back."

Ferb snapped to attention in the chair and his eyes widened in alarm. "But, it's not fair of you to—"

_Oh, wrong words, young man_, Lawrence frowned. "I will decide what is or is not fair."

"I only meant it's not fair of you to punish Phineas, too," Ferb blurted. "It's his computer as much as mine, and he didn't do anything, he doesn't know anything about this. Besides, I've never looked at anything like that on the computer, you can check. And our television doesn't even get those channels, that's why I had to go downstairs…" At this point, Ferb obviously realized that he had said rather more than was wise, and clamped his mouth firmly shut.

Lawrence folded his arms over his chest and contemplated this for a moment before he said, "Ferb, I'm trusting you to be honest with me. Lying to me now will only make things worse."

"Yes, sir, I know that, sir," he murmured.

"You said Phineas knows nothing about this. You haven't – discussed these things? He hasn't – seen any of these…?"

Ferb pressed his lips together as if striving with all his might to keep his solemnity. "Father – trust me. If Phineas ever stumbled across something like this, he would just giggle and call it 'gross.'"

"Hmm," Lawrence forced a scowl before abruptly turning his back on his son. He couldn't risk letting Ferb see the chuckle he suddenly had to stifle. Ferb was right. Phineas was still thirteen, and he always had been rather naïve when it came to the fair sex. No, Phineas wasn't the problem here. And Lawrence found a new and disturbing question creeping into his head. "Ferb." He looked over his shoulder at the boy. "How long have you been sneaking downstairs?"

He sighed and confessed, "Since the first of the year. Only on Fridays, and not every week. Four or five times, maybe?" He seemed almost relieved to have the truth out. "I'm mostly watching _Sorority House Secrets_ and _Nightie Nights_. They do new episodes on Fridays."

Lawrence blanched at this, and Ferb, again, decided a bit too late to shut up. "Do I even want to know what you're talking about?" Lawrence didn't try to keep the shocked dismay out of his voice.

"They're these half-hour series," Ferb explained, with a resigned look that said _might as well be shorn for a sheep as a lamb_. "They're just soap operas, more or less. Relationship stuff."

"Soap operas where everyone takes off their clothes, you mean," Lawrence clarified.

"Well, yes. The girls mostly. They don't show everything." Now, Ferb was just blathering himself deeper into trouble.

"I'm certain they show quite enough," said Lawrence through gritted teeth. With a frustrated sigh, he said, "Ferb, you are _fourteen years old_. You are _too young_ for this!"

To his surprise, Ferb groaned in despair, "Yes. Yes, I am. But I won't be fourteen forever! And…" He dropped his head into his hands before he said, in a voice that suddenly sounded very young and confused, "Dad, I don't know what to do."

Lawrence took a deep breath before he approached his son and laid a hand on his shoulder. "To start with, you're not going to watch any more of this _Bikini Sorority_ business. Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir," Ferb murmured, then he looked up at his father with anguished eyes. "But – how will I ever know what to do about – women?"

Lawrence shook his head with a small, comforting smile. "Ferb, you'll have plenty of time later to figure out _women_."

"But, it's only 622 days until I'm sixteen," he protested.

"Sixteen?" Lawrence winced. "I hope you're a few years older than that before…"

"But, you and Mum always said we could start dating at sixteen," Ferb insisted.

"Yes, _dating_," Lawrence conceded, feeling a bit alarmed again. "As in, holding hands at the movies, taking a girl to Slushy Dawg…"

"I should hope I had enough respect for her not to take her to _Slushy Dawg_," Ferb sniffed derisively.

"The point is," Lawrence began, then he sighed deeply and said, "Ferb, the point is, you're not going to learn about women by watching _Naughty Nighties_ on MovieMax. It's like learning to drive by watching some picture about outlaw street racing – it's all stunts, and pretend, and staged to look exciting. I understand that you're curious, son, but – those programs aren't exactly realistic." Lawrence wasn't sure how far he should pursue the topic, but he remarked, "Some of those women aren't even real. Well, not entirely."

"I know," Ferb admitted, with a sheepish grin. "I don't like the fake ones, they look ridiculous. You can always tell. May I ask you something?" he added, with a little blush.

"Of course," said Lawrence, hoping it was something he could answer.

"I presume," Ferb began, then blushed more strongly. "Well, I don't suppose that girls really spend all that time – um – experimenting with each other."

Lawrence gave in to a small chuckle as he said, "No, son, I don't believe they do. You see, that's exactly what I'm talking about. The people who make these programs know that men, well, like to look at women, so…"

Ferb nodded. He sat back in his chair as he said, "Dad, I'm sorry. I just feel like – I'm _never_ going to know what to do."

"Son," Lawrence reached out and rumpled his green hair, "someday, when you're older, you're going to fall in love with someone very special, someone you trust, and respect, who feels the same way about you. And you're going to figure it all out together, and no matter how much you think you know, it's going to take you completely by surprise. It's going to be awkward and messy and silly and absolutely marvelous, when you're with the right person."

Ferb looked skeptical of this, and voiced what Lawrence could only guess was his deepest fear. "What if she laughs at me?"

"If she loves you, she won't laugh. Well," he reconsidered, "there might be an affectionate chuckle or two, but it'll be meant fondly. The most important thing is to make sure she knows that she is the only one for you, and that you love her and care about her and that, in your eyes, she is the most magnificent woman in the world, and you wouldn't trade her for anyone."

"That'll be easy," Ferb smiled.

"Well, there you are, then," Lawrence returned the smile. "You know, Ferb," he grew serious again for a moment, "you'll still have to face some consequences for this. I'll talk to your mother; we'll come up with something fair. And I promise we'll leave Phineas out of it."

"I won't say anything to him," Ferb agreed. "And no more sneaking around, or watching anything inappropriate."

"I can guarantee that," Lawrence warned. "I expect we'll be blocking some channels, to eliminate the temptation. From now on, if you have questions – I hope you'll come to me first."

"Thanks, Dad." Ferb got up and, with only a bit of hesitation, reached out to his father with both arms. Lawrence pulled him into a hug and held him tight. His little boy was growing up. And Lawrence had a good feeling that he was going to turn out all right.

THE END


End file.
